published at SmartParenting.com.ph on May 31, 2011 http://www.smartparenting.com.ph/home-living/homebase/mom-said-dad-said-4-areas-parents-must-agree-on
“Mom said no horseplay before bed time, but dad lets me play before sleeping.” — this is a common scenario in many households, prompting kids to wonder who to listen to when Mom and Dad say two different things. Is it Mom? Is it Dad?
When parents disagree on household rules, it is usually the children who are at the losing end. These inconsistencies, besides being the source of conflict, cause much confusion in a young child. In my profession, I witnessed some parents disagreeing even in the counseling room on their parenting principles.
House Rules
Clear house rules are important because they become your children’s “operations manual”. Rules are the tangible manifestations of the parent’s values in the family. It can cover the kids’ daily routine – preparing for school, meals, study time, playing and fixing toys, relating with siblings, bedtime, etc. If mom and dad agree on the rules they implement, the child becomes aware of the expectations from him, thus he can be asked to cooperate. Inconsistencies with house rules may result to misbehavior stemming from a vague idea on what they should do and how to go about it.
Values
Values in life and living differ among individuals, according to how they were raised. It is important that parents agree on the values and rules in raising their children, because being in conflict on this matter might weaken their value system and affect their attitudes and principles. Some important matters that parents should discuss and agree with in order to bring up their children well are defined below:
1. Faith. Beliefs become the basis of personal principles, decisions and actions. Whether mom and dad have the same religion or spiritual formation, consistency is needed to teach their kids about God and how to live out their spirituality in daily life.
2. Relationships matter, so parents should maintain a healthy married life and know their priorities, which should include marriage and family. Not prioritizing parent-child or spousal relationships may lead children to think that relationships are less important and undermine the development of their self-esteem.
3. Education. More than just sending the child to schools and paying the tuition, moms and dads need to decide how to support their child’s education together. Parents must be constant in developing their study habits, supporting school work and activities, highlighting the child’s efforts more than abilities and helping their children to set personal and academic goals in order to prepare them for their lifetime careers.
4. Finances. The value for money starts at home, so, parents need to be in agreement in raising the child to be financially-literate, and having an appropriate attitude towards money, budgeting and spending patterns.
Discipline Style
The parents’ disciplining style becomes the framework for their children’s upbringing. It reinforces house rules and values as well. Researchers identified 3 kinds of parenting style that would work best if done with consistency. Authors Lee-Chua and Dionisio highlight the three parenting styles in their book Helping Your Children Do Well in School (Anvil, 2004):
1. Autocratic parents believe that they should ‘control’ their child. They give rewards, punishments, threats or bribes. Parent and child often engage in power struggle. The parents tend to be controlling, critical, harsh and strong. This style results to children who appear to be disobedient, sneaky, rebellious and lacking in self-discipline.
2. Permissive parents believe that they must please their child. Parents try to please, plead, give up and give in to the child’s whims. Mom or dad becomes indecisive, inconsistent, accepting and weak. When kids are raised in this kind of home life, they grow up disrespectful, spoiled, self-centered and lacking in self-discipline.
3. Democratic or Authoritative parents are those parents whose goal is to “lead” the child. They set rules and apply the natural and logical consequences of things, conduct family meetings, negotiate and consult the child on matters concerning them. Parents who are democratic in style are firm, kind, encouraging, cooperative and effective. Children who are raised in this manner develop to be cooperative, responsible and self-disciplined.
It is ideal that parents strive to be democratic in their discipline style. Mom and dad need to work together on how they can best raise their child. It may be taken for granted while the kids are small, but the impact of how parents raise their children would have lifelong effects to the individual’s personhood. Parents need to assess their differences and values, put together their strengths, and see what would work best for their family in order to raise the children in consistency and defined values and principles.
Parenting is a shared duty. In a society where values are caught and the family is challenged with varied issues, moms and dads have a vital role in the family, and that is to raise happy, confident and resilient children.
